This is a variation on something that has circulated before but it remains a howler, and is fun to creatively (?) supplement (see below):

(Forwarded by Crosby IT guru Greg Holmes):
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as TummyTuck 3.6D and that old stand-by . . . Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support

(From me back to Greg):
Thank you for your query to the Husband 1.0 Knowledge Base. We consider Out With The Boys 2.2 to be an acceptable work-around for these issues but only if used sparingly, as this application poses a virus risk similar to any of the commercial releases of Girlfriend. Along these lines, if you have not already done so please visit the Husband 1.0 Update page immediately and download the Critical Updates package. This security patch addresses a vulnerability in Husband 1.0 which may permit a malicious hacker to install and run the beta application Girlfriend OS X from a remote location. While Girlfriend OS X has received unprecedented positive feedback as to usability, the resulting denial of service attacks can be devastating.

Ok, my Dad just read me the first chapter of this - over the phone, on my way to work - and I almost took out five lanes of oncoming traffic because I couldn't see for laughing so hard. It simultaneously lampoons (1) license-crazed software companies, (2) electronics manufacturers who strive to link all our mundane household gadgets to the Internet (while closely monitoring our usage patterns and reporting back to the home planet), and (3) the techno-fetishists (you know who you are) who make it all possible: "Secrets of the Wholly Grill: A Comic Novel about Software, Barbecue, and Cravings." Charred on the outside, juicy in the center - vegetarians beware, you may have to convert.

Mac attack: yeah, this Windows/pc warrier just couldn't resist, If you're thinking about proceeding down this road to colorful, jelly-shaped blobs on your desktop, you'll need one or more of the following as well: David Pogue's guide to Mac OS X; David Pogue's guide to IMovie 2. And, if you're feeling particularly ambitious (not to mention unaffected by the holidays, the recession, and every other daily drain on your wherewithal), the Canon Elura 20MC (dv cam), the Nikon CoolPix 885 (digi cam) and the Canon S800 (printer) would make nice additions to your Valentine's wish list. All should work seamlessly with the new iMac and OS X, and have us boring our friends and neighbors with dull family footage sooner than you can say "burn it!" (Oh yeah, you'll need this too, to decorate all those cd's and dvd's you'll be throwing around like frisbees: The CD Stomper.)

Ok, corny or not, remember this: it's a better world already, and you're helping. Small proofs offer themselves up all the time if you bother to look. One such: bands like Sloan, which might never reach a U.S. audience but for folks cruisin' and reviewin' online. Cheap Trick meets brit pop, they groove.

Once. Long ago. Before the Halcyon days of guis, install wizards and pre-formatted diskettes. In the wee hours of the morning on which I was to submit my first take-home law school exam (Crim Law, Meir Dan-Cohen). After mainlining the then de rigeur Thursday night line-up: Cheers, Night Court, LA Law. Instead of formatting "drive a:," I formatted "drive c:" ... The happy ending? Somehow I reinstalled DOS, and a creaky old version of WordPerfect (5.0?), and wrote the exam - and aced the class. The sad footnote? The hard drive in question may - formerly - have contained a smattering of my budding author father's fledgling efforts. (I will certainly understand if you find yourself so moved by this anecdote that you feel you must buy Mel's book.)